Hey guys, this is the edited version, hopefully it meets your critisicm
The iron gates loom menacingly,
Staring down with their grave eyes,
At the new penguins.
They waddle through, uncertain and scared,
Of the giants on every side,
Grinning and pointing.
A witch greets them at the bottom of some massive steps,
Welcomes them with a beckon of a gnarled hand,
To a place of hell.
They waddle on, sticking together,
Down filthy corridors covered with demonic pictures,
Past all the giants.
They enter a torture chamber,
Sit down on stiff-backed torture chairs,
Awaiting execution.
A demonic figure, glass wearing, walks in,
Sits down in his comfortable throne, and calls out-
The names of the dammed.
They pile out of the torture room, thankfully unscathed,
Start waddling down the corridors, and past;
The grinning giants.
They huddle together, in a pack,
Clutching small pieces of white paper, their only guide;
To the routes of hell.
Into another interrogation room,
With another spectacles beast,
Snarling all the while.
A piercing ringing cuts through the air,
Startling the little penguins, who;
Make their quick escape.
Out into the cold, wet outdoors,
The warm sum,
Obscured by dark clouds.
The grinning giants are everywhere,
With hard balls of ammunition,
Coloured black and white.
Huddling together in groups,
As if they were waiting for eggs to hatch, protecting them;
From all predators.
The shrieking ringing pierces the air once more,
The penguins gratefully waddle out of the cold, back into;
The warm fires of hell.
The next ordeal- death by freezing-
Outside on the barren wasteland,
Marked with the white lines.
Yet another servant of Lucifer appears,
Ordering the penguins to waddle round in ellipses,
Whilst he snarls at them.
Torture chambers containing monsters,
Flash past the terrified little penguins, interrupted only;
By the piercing bell.
The penguins waddle into a large room,
Filled with those giants,
Who are all grinning.
They await their turn to be served,
Some rations, whilst all the while the stench;
Of deaths' in the air.
The little penguins survive,
Some more torture,
Yet some more daemons.
The piercing bell sounds again,
Amid the penguins quickly waddle through,
The menacing gates.
A weight's been lifted off their chests,
They are all happy now,
They have survived their first day of
Secondary school.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Uhhh...yea.
I really didn't get it.
Lack of rythm and it seems kinda...scattered
Thank you for your advice I shall work on the rhythm and punctuation and I shall re-post when that is finished thanks
Haha i must admit I nearly laughed out loud when you mentioned penguins for the first time
Is not expected at all. I like that.
But there definitely does seem to be a lack of rhythm.
(this is only one of many ways of working out your rhythm, so yes, its only my opinion)
The first stanza is visually longer than the second. That in itself indicates an unbalanced rhythm. Stanzas are meant to work in with each other like cogs, or inline with each other, sitting just in the exact place above and below. Ok, not in the exact same place but within a very fair range of it.
Another way of working it out is counting the syllables in your lines...when a certain line of every stanza has the exact same amount of syllables in it, it will be like adding oil to machinery. It really adds to a poem.
For example, your first stanza
has exactly 10 syllables in the last line
whereas the second stanza
has only 5 syllables in the last line. That's half, a whole half of what you originally had, and it does jolt the reader's eye and concentration.
Going on through the poem, I can see you've continued random end line lengths...at least that is one side of rhythm this poem possesses
There's no rhyme. And no, poems do not need rhyme whatsoever to make them work. Sometimes though, it may really give spice to a particular piece. A poem with flowing, soft emotions woud sound good with rhyme whereas one full of action and/or hate and abrupt emotions would suit no rhyme much better. In your case, this poem does not need rhyme at all. However, without rhyme, the writer needs to grasp other forms of rhythm
Hope this helps you a bit.
I love the descriptive way you have portrayed school lol. It's wonderful, and scarily enough, very near true.
You obviously have a vivid imagination, so keep it ready and firing
Haha i must admit I nearly laughed out loud when you mentioned penguins for the first time
Is not expected at all. I like that.
But there definitely does seem to be a lack of rhythm.
(this is only one of many ways of working out your rhythm, so yes, its only my opinion)
The first stanza is visually longer than the second. That in itself indicates an unbalanced rhythm. Stanzas are meant to work in with each other like cogs, or inline with each other, sitting just in the exact place above and below. Ok, not in the exact same place but within a very fair range of it.
Another way of working it out is counting the syllables in your lines...when a certain line of every stanza has the exact same amount of syllables in it, it will be like adding oil to machinery. It really adds to a poem.
For example, your first stanza
has exactly 10 syllables in the last line
whereas the second stanza
has only 5 syllables in the last line. That's half, a whole half of what you originally had, and it does jolt the reader's eye and concentration.
Going on through the poem, I can see you've continued random end line lengths...at least that is one side of rhythm this poem possesses
I love the descriptive way you have portrayed school lol. It's wonderful, and scarily enough, very near true. And it's great the way
Hi and welcome to YWS. We do ask that you critique two pieces before you post your own and keep to the 2:1 ratio.
I liked the twist at the end of the poem.
What I would say is that your poetry lacks structure, rhythm and punctuation. Yes, you do have some punctuation but in some places it isn't really doing much. I couldn't seem to find a rhythm at all, your syllables were all over the place. You repeated several words many times, but not in an effective way.
Here's a couple of articles that might help:
viewarticlebody.php?t=18791
viewarticlebody.php?t=19225
I think the idea is good and your writing shows potential.
All the best,
Alainna
xxx